Tame yr brain

Guess I’m gonna have to tell em
That I got no cerebellum

--“Teenage Lobotomy,” The Ramones



Along with an increasing number of other unfortunates, I suffer from frequent and incapacitating headaches. Why why why?? Like all migraineurs, I put a lot of energy into possible sources, in the hopes they will lead to solutions. Here are my fave theories of the moment:


1. I’m a genius. Like Virginia Woolf, George Bernard Shaw, Emily Dickinson, Lewis Carroll, Sigmund Freud and Margaret Cho, my constant brainstorms are too much for the constraints of my skullbone.

2. I’m a delicate hothouse flower. Studies indicate that some people just don’t handles stresses to the system as well as others.

3. Stress itself. On the other hand, it’s long been believed that migraineurs are simply nervous nellies. In my case this was belied by a prescription of muscle relaxers that had no effect whatsoever.

4. “There’s something in the air besides the atmosphere.” Lene Lovich was right; barometric pressure’s a bitch.

5. Incipient insanity. Historically it was thought that migraineurs were just plain nuts, or well on their way to it. Frequent flyers like Vincent Van Gogh did not help to quash this convenient theory.

6. Mean genes. Migraines tend to run in families; mine is no exception.

7. Hit by a gamma ray. Well, it might have happened ...

8. The luck of the draw. In other words: whatev.

9. Jesus hates me. Evidently.

My lost weekend

Going on the assumption that there is nothing so absorbing for one’s acquaintances as the enumeration of [one’s own] medical idiopathies……allow me to tell to fill you in on My Lost Weekend. Were I in the mood for jollity, I’d paraphrase Douglas Carter Beane by saying that it has only been a long walk up a steep hill with a cross. But to be more prosaic about it: the past two days have been one long headache.

Yep. For those of us who suffer for severe migraines, life can indeed be like a Ray Milland movie, only without all the entertaining cocktails. No, it’s more akin to a long, long hangover without any wild adventures to boast of.

Some at least get collateral phenomenon to enliven matters – auras, flashes of light, even hallucination. So I’m told. Not me. For moi-meme, it’s just constant torture – one minute subdued, the next suddenly acute, and back and forth ad nauseum. The Latin reference is literal, by the by. The most thrilling part of my lost weekend has been the vomiting. It’s something I looked forward to eagerly, simply because it tends to be followed by a period of lassitude, during which I can at least slip into an oblivious twilight reminiscent of rest.

Equally literal is the reference to The Lost Weekend, since migraine episodes almost always happen to me on the weekends! How come? There are theories, naturally, including this one:

Those migraineurs who experience "weekend" headaches or headaches precipitated by oversleeping should try to awaken at the same time on weekends as they do during the week and to maintain a regular sleep pattern throughout the entire week. Moreover, it is essential for the migraine sufferer to get enough sleep, as fatigue can provoke a headache. In fact, fatigue is one of the most common triggers of migraine headaches.

Then too there’s the belief that if you’re used to overstimulating yourself during the work week with caffeine, a sudden weekend dearth of caffeine can lead to abrupt vasodilation and a " withdrawal" headache.

And there’s the theory that I both prefer and believe, which states that people who have a stressful work week they successfully resist are in for punishment the moment they relax. It’s a rebound headache, essentially – you force your body to power through the crises du jour, and it exacts its revenge when you finally let your guard down.

How to cope? How, Ray, how??

Now aren't you glad you asked how I'm doing?